Ramadan Feast Guide

How to know if your Ramadan feast is an absolute disaster:

• If your guests come an hour late know that they were warned of your food and ate at home without telling you.
• If you place the food on the table and they volunteer to give it out know that they don't find it appetizing to start with.
• If your guests forget about your food and start eating and complementing your dates, know that your food was horrible.
• If you taste your food and it doesn't taste too good, know that it really is a disaster, because food tastes better when you're hungry.
• If your guests don't finish your food, know that they didn't like it. If they finish the food, know you didn't make enough.

Helping Myself

In my household iftaar isn't always very good, it is usually what is leftover from yestarday, and I find it bland and unsatisfying. Either that, or it would be bamyeh or fasoolyeh. I always tell my dear mother to be creative when making dinner, she sometimes is and sometimes she isn't.

So sometimes I decide to go and help myself. The local corner shop is a few blocks away and I usually go there to buy a ton of stuff to feed myself. Its sort of like cavemen go to hunt for prey but in the twenty first century - although many still think of me as a caveman.

Back to the point, today was one of those days, so I went to the shop and bought myself a whole ton of food. All extremely nutritional of course, no doubt in that. I ended up spending around three or four dinars, of course my mother told me it will all go in the toliet in the end.

As seen in the photo I took, starting from left - two apple juice cartons, an Indomie packet, wafers from Eisberg, chewing gum, my favourite Kiwi and Lime juice, Galaxy chocolates, a bottle of water to avoid constipation, four ice cream bars, more fruit juices, M&Ms of course, two cheap Jordanian chocolates, and Dance biscuits.

And for those of you who think I'm fat or something, think again. All my old relatives tell me I have to get fatter for some reason and I am too weak. According to this BMI calculator I programmed myself, my Body Mass Index is 18. And if you're into that sort of stuff, I programmed it for this event.

A Ramadan Prayer

دعاء صائم قبل الإفطار

* * *

اللهم نفسي، اللهم بطني
اللهم إحفظ مالي
اللهم إحفظني من عين الحسود
اللهم أطعمني من ما لذ و طاب
اللهم إن معدتي جائعة فأطعمها
اللهم إن طبقي فارغ فأملئه
اللهم إن سيارتي قديمة
اللهم إن وظيفتي مملة
اللهم إن زوجتي مُتعِبة
اللهم إلعن البائعين الدجالين
السراقين، المستغلين
اللهم إجمعهم عددا
وأقتلهم بددا
ولا تفارق منهم أحدا
اللهم نفسي، اللهم مالي
اللهم امين

* * *

Dabshaat: Part Four

Why do idiots (ie. 6afayleh/5alayleh/sa3aydeh) always fast the second day of Ramadan and skip the first?


Because the first day of Ramadan is always the hardest.

* * * * * *

This dabsheh was brought to you by Zain. *cheesy tone follows*
And the rather ironic image is an ad by Burger King.

Celebrations & Farewells

A celebration of ma3moul.

A celebration of arabic coffee.

A celebration of chocolate.

A celebration of money.
* * * *

A farewell to fasting.

A farewell to 3azayem.

A farewell to tarawee7.

A farewell to television.

عيد مبارك و كل عام وأنتم بخير

And While You're Enjoying Eid...

Eid Mubarak To You All

I hope you have used this month well, as it only comes once a year, and you may not be alive to see it again. I hope all your good deeds in this month will be waiting for you on the Day of Judgement, multiplied many times, and your bad deeds forgiven.

Eid mubarak to you all, whether it is tommorow or after that, and remember to be easy on the ma3moul. Even if it is from Zalatimo.

Night Of Fate (Ulqadir)

I have just woken up at 3 PM, I have slept from 6 this morning. Our mosque actually was really good at making a schedule for the night, and it sticked to it as well.

The night started with the usual ishaa2 then taraweeh. I prayed four rukaa2 taraweeh then ran off to the nearby falafel shop, to watch Bab il-Hara 2. But as it got too crowded, I had to wait for the break and then run to our house to continue watching. Luckily our house is quite close and I got there just before the adverts finished.

I found the house full of babies. About 5 babies were inside and it seemed my mum had offered to do the babysitting for all my aunties. So I had to continue watching Bad il-Hara while hearing screams of Leen and putting the always-awake Nadeen to sleep.

I ran back and continued a few rukaa3 of taraweeh so the total would become 8. After that I went to the falafel shop, which was now empty, to drink a bit of Pepsi to keep awake. I drank a bit too much and felt sick, but at least that kept me awake for a few hours.

And then I got terribly sleepy, and by the end of sohoor (which was horribly dry), I went back home to have my real suhoor and then went to sleep, waking up at 3PM. So, now that I have told you my night, what did you do in yours?

I Would Like To Thank

Ramadan is killing me, especially taraweeh. Therefore I would like to thank a few people:

I would like to thank the Imam of our mosque. This man has amnesia every five minutes, in the middle of the prayer, and he will never get himself a quran. He makes each rukah extra long, and starts making every witar in a new way, once all three together and once two and three and once each one by itself. He can't make up his mind. And his duaa2 is like the haram's duaa2, your hands are numb by the end.

I would also like to thank the person who made the mosque, especially the one who designed the toilets. Why, oh why, has the mosque never heard of normal toilets, and has to have those "holes in the ground". I wonder if Arabic toilets where made to think people where still in the 19th century. They could've made a hole in the ground and it'd be better than those damn toilets. Plus people don't know how to use the flusher, so you have melted snickers in every toilet waiting for you (sorry if you were eating).

I would also like to thank the "grown-up" people next to me, who just can't keep there gases inside themselves. They smell of anything from mansaf to hotdogs, and their burps smell even worse. Why can't they hold themselves until they finish salah and go somewhere deserted and do what they have to do? Or if that is too hard, can they just cover their mouth with their hand? No, they have to poison you with their lethal gases, they don't care.

I would also like to thank the people who keep snivelling. Men shaan allah, men shaan ili khalakum, stop snivelling! There is an invention called tissues you know! Your snivelling gives me headaches, as well as the want to choke you with tissues till you die and stop snivelling. Actually, that's a good idea. I think I'll do that.

And finally, I would like to thank people who can't turn of their ringing mobiles, the people who keep screaming the word Ameen, the Egyptian workers who smell of extra concentrated sweat, the kids who keep setting of fireworks pretending its WW3, and a few others...

By the way, replace all 'thank' words in this post, with the words 'brutally kill' to understand this post.

Memories From Past Ramadans

- Time of tasahour, me and my brother are eating

Me: When is the adhan?
Bro: We've got plenty of time.
Me: What's that sound?
Bro: I don't know.
Me: Well shut up then!
Sound: Haya 3ala il-salaah!
Me & Bro: [Choke choke, spit spit]

- Just before ifaar, all the family is waiting

Everyone: [Dying]
Adhan: Allah uakbaar ul-Allah akbaar!
Mum: [Saying du3aa2] Alahuma-
Me: [Glug glug]
Everyone: Hey, Khaled, you're supposed to say the du3aa2 before you drink!
Me: Oh, sorry.

Out Of The Battlefield

And back in. Fasting is hard, especially when you have to do it in summer. The day is hot and fasting is much longer. Even though schools and work places have shortened our time of torture, we still have to fast in hell for six hours.

Sleeping to pass time is not an option for me, as my body refuses to sleep during day time whatsoever, unless it's sick. Instead I either torture others in God of War II, build big armies against the computer in C&C Generals, or watch something on MBC Action.

Fasting makes a person angry, tired and frustrated. I always pass the fridge, open it and see the apple juice, take it out and get a cup, then I remember I am fasting so I get really angry. I get even more angry when I find out there still is a painful 4 hours or so to the end of war.

Just about everyone in Jordan gets angry when they're fasting. Those who smoke get angry, those old people get angry, taxi drivers get angry. The excuse of "ana sayim" is a one used alot to leave an argument, or "hala2 baftir aleek" is an excuse to start one.

People actually gain weight in Ramadan. You'd find this strange, but people will go mad when its iftar time. From mansaf to atayif, they eat them in tons and then go watch some Egyptian series on the TV.

This continues till tasahur, at which they go mad again, then go to sleep till noon. No tarweeh, no fajir. During the day they either sleep or watch TV.

Ramadan to many people is not a religious time. Its a time of hell on earth, when you have to make yourself hungry. Its a time when you have to invite the family over and eat in bulk. Its also named as the month of atayif.

So, my naseeha to you all is to think more about what Ramadan really means, and less about your stomach. By the way this post is making me hungry...

Ramadan Is On Thursday

Shiekh Ahmad Hilailil announced that the day after tommorow is Ramadan, so tommorow you can enjoy your last day of eating! Ramadan mubarak to you all. ^^