Unique Taxis Are No Better

If you have been following along with my blog, you’ll know how much I love taxi drivers. Anyone less fortunate than the rest of us will usually transform into a taxi driver. Bare in mind, taxi drivers are a different race than human beings, due to their abnormal traits and despicable behavior.

I was fed up with normal taxis and there was a hype going on in Amman for this unique taxi. Why they saw this taxi to be difference between heaven and hell, whereas all I could see was a taxi painted in silver and with a larger fare, I do not know. Personally I don’t judge anyone or anything until I actually try it out.

Which is were we get to the story. My father, who takes me to school and returns me every day, decides to go back to Britain for business, it’s up to my mum to take me. I haven’t been to Britain for four years now and I think my friends forgot me from the first year, but that’s another story.

Now I would go and find a taxi, but at 6 am trying to find a taxi, when in the first place you live in the middle of nowhere and it would take a good half an hour to get to a main road, which in turn is filled with other people waiting for a taxi as well – I’m not doing any of that. I asked my mum to take me at first, but she is too busy and too tired, and she hates the caveman of a son I am in the first place. She says I’m a caveman because I grunt, I forage the fridge too much, and my room looks like a cave.

Personally, I don’t know what is tiring about driving. All you do is press the pedal and rotate the steering wheel a few degrees left or right. If I had a license I would drive myself. And, the tiredness of driving would compensate for having to walk in the cold for half an hour, wait for a taxi that wants to pick you up, bare with the taxis unfunny jokes, etc.

So my mum called the unique taxi, so it’d come at 7am. It came at 8am. This actually happened four or five times – what’s ridiculous is that each time the center would send us a new taxi with a new taxi driver; he’d get lost yet again, and arrive an hour late. What’s worse is that we corrected the address about six times, and each time it’d still be the incorrect address and he’d get lost again.

The taxi driver himself looks like he came out of the slums, except he’s wearing a uniform and actually shaved and showered – well most of them anyway. I thought they’d be a bit better than normal taxis, but I was wrong. They moan about how you came two minutes late even when he was an hour late, he moans about how you closed the door too hard or too soft, and he moans about how he has no idea were my school is.

One taxi driver was so bad that I was going to direct him, he feels insulted by this gesture and says he knows the place by heart – twenty minutes later he asks for directions. The so called navigator is a gimmick, all that gadget does on his dashboard is make an interesting popping sound when the screen is touched, so he annoyingly presses it multiple times just to show he has an expensive device that’s better than any of your devices. And to be honest, all he puts into his magical device is the time of the journey and where to and where from the journey is. Way to go.

Taxi Driver And Smoking

I was riding with a taxi driver yesterday, and the strange person decides to convert his taxi into a public transport bus by stopping for two girls and loading them since they were supposedly on my journey route anyway.

So the girl in the back wants to smoke, after she takes out a cigarette and lights it, the driver says:

Driver: Smoking in the taxi is forbidden.
Girl: But I've already lighted it.
Driver: No please throw it out.
Girl: I can open the window.
Driver: No I have an infection in my lungs whenever I smell cigarette smoke.
Girl: OK I'll throw it out.

Later on when the taxi drops off the girl, he takes out a pack of cigarettes from his glove compartment and lights a cigarette.

Me: I thought you had an infection in your lungs.
Driver: (Chuckles to himself) Stupid girls.

Taxi Man

Here is a video I found while around the internet, about a taxi driver telling us about the districts of Amman. I know the guy is a taxi driver and thinks he is superior, but he is rather funny. He should try out stand up comedy one day. At least it'll get him a bit more than taxi driving.

Talaween

Some people were so sick and tired of taxi drivers, they decided to make an entire video out of it. I treasure videos like these because everything you see in them is funny yet true. If you've never used Youtube before, or don't want to watch any more videos, make this one your last one. This video should be played right after national anthems. By the way, the quality of this version is rather low, you can watch a much shorter but higher quality version here.

Conversations With Taxis

I thought I'd share a few conversations I've had with strange taxi drivers. If you've been following with me, I first identified them as a different species, guided you all as to how to ride with them, and finally told you why to boycott them.

Here is my fourth take on the never ending story, my conversations with taxi drivers. Take these as case studies, so you are fully prepared to encounter a taxi driver one day or another. Remember the conversation will start with the taxi driver talking then me, so you don't get mixed up which ones which.

(By the way, this post may look very long but that's because it has many line breaks, it should only take about two minutes to read through. Enjoy!)

* * *

وين رايح يا شب؟
على المدينة الرياضية
إبعيد إكثير المدينة الرياضية
منشان هيك أنا إركبت معاك
لا بس هي مش على طريقي
طب أنا دافعلك يا أخوي
طيب إركب خلصني

* * *

ما بقدر أوصلك لازم أصلي
نعم؟
لازم أصلي الظهر
الصلاة خلصت، أقاموها قبل عشر دقائق
طيب أنا بدي أصلي لحالي
إذا ما بدك إتوصلني ما تقولي بدي أصلي قول ما بدي أوصلك
طيب إذا هيك ما بدي أوصلك
شكرا يا أخوي و مع السلامة

* * *

يمين ولا إشمال؟
يمين لو سمحت
ليش يمين يعني؟
منشان من أهناك بيتي
طب ليش مش إشمال؟
خلص على راحتك ما دام الحساب عليك
يا زلمة كنت بمزح معاك رح إنروح يمين

* * *

إبتعرف شو صار إمبارح؟
إيش صار إمبارح
عبد الله رجع من العمرة
مين عبد الله؟
عبد الله، ما إبتعرفوا؟
قصدك الملك عبد الله؟
اه، الملك.. وين قلتلي رايح إنت؟

* * *

متذكر قصة تفجيرات عمان؟
نعم
أنا أظن بعرف مين وراها
نعم
الشيعة بالعراق
نعم
هم بكرهونا و كانوا من زمان بدهم يقتلونا
نعم
و كمان دينهم بأمرهم أنهم يقتلونا قبل الأمريكان
نعم
ليش كل إشي بحكي، بترد علي بنعم؟
نعم
طيب خلص رح أسكت

* * *

أحكيلك نكتة
لا شكرا شبعان من الدبشات
لا مش دبشة نكتة حلوه
طيب ما بدي أسمعها
ليش يا أخوي زعلان مني
ما بعرف
الله يسامحك أنا قصرت معاك
الله يسامح الجميع

* * *

أنا عندي شرط واحد لكل واحد بركب معاي
شو هاذا الشرط
إذا وقفتني أي بنت لازم تنزل و أركبها
ها ها، ما أزقعك
طب أنت إبترجع وره وهي إبتركب قدام
كمان؟
شرط بسيط جدا يا أخوي
طب إمشي، الله يهديك

* * *

شايف كل الأزمة الإقتصادية، أنا بحلها بسهولة
جميل
بس هم بعينوني مدير بنك، و أنا عندي الخبرة لحل كل المشاكل
(بعد مرور عشرون دقيقة) نعم
طيب إيش رأيك أنت؟
رأي بإيش؟
اللي كنت بحكي قبل إشوي
ما كنت إمركز معاك ولله

* * *

أحسابك يأخوي دينار و نصف
(بعطي دينارين) إتفضل
ما معاي نص دينار والله
(طبعا إبن الحرام معاه كنوز فرعون بس هو نصاب كذاب) نعم؟
لازم إتسامحني يا أخوي
طيب هات الدينارين و بروح بدورلك على إفراطة
لا إستنا... يا سبحان الله، طلع معاي نص دينار بجيبتي
يا سبحان الله

* * *

يا أخوي الكريم، التدخين حرام شرعا
(ترجمة: كلام كبير من سعادة أكبر منافق بالعالم) طب أنا ما بدخن
طيب أنا بنصحك لوجه الله تعالى
(ترجمة: الأخ منافق، لحية مش مقصوصة منشان الشفرة ضايعة) طيب شكرا على النصيحة
أهلا و سهلا يا أخوي الكريم

* * *

Boycott All Taxi Drivers

I call for a boycott of all taxi drivers. Enough of their filth in our cities and their cars in our streets. Even if it is a matter of life or death, you should rather die then take a taxi. This is because taxi drivers...

• Feel superior to other human beings as if they were the chosen ones.
• Will not stop for you unless you are a woman in your twenties.
• Smoke so many cigarettes they are the cause of global warming.
• Take showers and replace their clothes only on special occasions.
• Consider their counter faulty if the price does not match their needs.
• Can decide to go to only certain places if they wish.
• Turn themselves in services and pick up several people to get more money.
• Can decide to take only certain routes from one place to the other.
• Think turning up their cars systems volume will make them cooler.
• Transform their cars into their own personal homes.
• Tell everyone their job is only a vacation from gathering riches elsewhere.
• See nothing wrong in their manners and behavior.
• Drive like they own the road and have built it with their own hands.
• Scowl at you when you try to put on your seat belt that doesn't work.
• Squash the passenger behind them so their highness can relax.
• Hate you when, ironically, you are their source of income.

How To Ride An Amman Taxi

At the end of the day, although you may not be so willing to admit it, you will have to take a taxi somewhere, someday. The only thing certain is that you will ride in a taxi with a taxi driver. Now sometimes they are nice to you even if you have the word newbie on your forehead. But sometimes, and this is usually the case, you will get punished by God and sent Amman's average taxi driver. And if that happens, then God help us all. But, for when that time comes, much similar to the zombie apocalypse, you need to be ready. Here are some tips to take when your time comes.

First off, after you hail a taxi and he actually decides you are worth stopping for, never ever lean through the window, asking him if his majesty can take you to such a far place as your home. Instead, open the door and sit in the seat, and close the door. You may not even turn to talk to him for a while, as if he was not on your schedule for the moment. Wait for when he begins to move again, this is when you tell him your destination, and this is so he cannot say a very lame excuse as to why he cannot do his job for you because he needs to go and eat, or pray at his home, or feed his cat, or drink some coffee, or save the world from an alien invasion and become a superhero.

Next, the destination. When you tell him your destination, don't say it as if you are asking. You do not ask a taxi driver to do his job, he is supposed to do it. And that's mostly the reason why everyone feels the need to boycott Unique Taxis, because you are paying them to do what normal taxis should already do. Moving on, you may wish to annoy him a little when he asks you where your going. I usually tell them to keep moving forward and I will tell them where to go, this annoys the driver as he cannot take longer routes to increase your fare.

Now we all know the driver will tell if your stupid or not to fall for his taxi fare scams, by observing your actions and analysing them using his single celled brain up in his head - well, hopefully its up there. His scams can be anything, for taxi drivers have made it a great art, scamming in all sorts of ways. For example, they could accidentally switch off the fare meter half way through the journey then guess what it should read. Or they could make up vague excuses as to why your journey fare should be higher and why it was lowered by a fault in the system - fat chance. Or that it was raining today, and he shouldn't have gone to work but he did so he could serve the citizens of his country out of the goodness of his golden heart - "bi7amlak ijmeeleh".

There a few things you can do while you are riding with him that will annoy him considerably. If he appears to be in a bad mood, talk to him endlessly about the economic crisis, the country's unemployment, and the Iraqi war. If he's too talkative and more of a chatterbox than you'd like, answer him with nods or monosyllabic answers when he asks, then return to dazing out of the window. If he asks you to go left or right, look both ways very slowly then shrug and say it doesn't matter - "3ala ra7tak ya basha". What you're aiming for is not necessarily to get the guy in a bad mood, but to show him you're not his average rider and you can't be dealt with like any other. You aren't new to the miserable world of taxi drivers.

If you are good enough at acting, you may wish to play along as well. When the taxi brakes or turns, pull back in your seat and clutch your heart for dear life, muttering words like "ya lateef", or "bismallah" or "allah yustor". When he attempts a u-turn or entering a main road, make it as if your life will end here, closing your eyes and saying the "shahadeh" - or the holy trinity for Christians, holding on the seats rests and preparing for impact. After its over, make a large overexagurated sigh of relief then scowl at the taxi driver for having such wild driving manners, or put your face in your hands as if wishing this rollercoaster ride would just arrive at the station.

If your a bit more daring, you may go for the secret service look. Taxis may appear to be careless, wreckless scumbags but they are afraid of someone, other than their reflection in the mirror - police, and even more, secret service police. Before entering the taxi, take a long look at the license plate. When in the taxi, make shifty eye movements around the place, first at the driver then at his drivers license, then at the fare meter. Talk to him about what he thinks of his majesty, the royal family and the current political and economic state of the country. When he appears to dose off, suddenly chant loudly "ya3eesh jallalet ilmalik almu3atham", arabic for "long live his majesty the king", and if he does not reply immediately, stare at him in disbelief as if regarding him as a traitor for the kingdom.

And finally, when it comes to arriving to your destination and paying the fare. The taxi drivers eyes will have become dollar signs and your forehead will have the word money imprinted and blinking like a neon light. But not if you followed my simple steps. Never ask him how much the taxi fare is, for this to the taxi is like asking him how much he wants. Look and read the counter yourself, check for a recent label of those traffic lights and the current year - this means the counter is new and works properly. What appears on the counter is what you pay, don't ask him how much he wants as a tip, just give him the money. Smile innocently and slam the door in his unworthy face.

But lets say the counter is wrong - its over the normal price you usually pay everyday. What you do is look at him and scowl, not reach out for your wallet to hand him more. Inquire why the fare is suspiciously more even though you pay the same everyday. Don't fall for an excuse such as it starts at half a dinar now, or that he has no clue, or that his family of thirty orphans is starving on two loaves of bread a week, or that he now adds his own tax. Give him what's on the counter if you have enough, but tell him that it is wrong to play with the counter and you will note his license plate down for "later use".

And that's all. Of course, as a quick side disclaimer, I with no doubt know there are many good taxi drivers that are polite and kind. I have rode with many of them, and I did not make this post for them, the minority of taxi drivers. Instead, I meant the majority of taxi drivers that you, unfortunately, have a much higher rate of finding that will cheat, lie and annoy you making all the taxi ride unbearable. Anyway, if you have any suggestions to this post you can add them in the comments. Thanks for reading, and good luck next time you face a taxi driver!

Taxi Drivers: Worst Species?

My dad ranks them between single celled organisms, and virus's like amoeba. I couldn't agree more. In Jordan, the world's most dirtiest and dumbest species can be found - taxi drivers. They swear, they smoke, they cheat, they scowl, they act... oh, the list never finishes. Find a bad description and it will fit on a taxi driver.

One type of taxi is the dirty one, and this is the most common. When you signal to the taxi, you can see inside a fat pig sitting in the seat. He's probably never washed in his life, and wears the worst clothes that you wouldn't be seen dead in. But that's not it, his taxi is worse.

The leather of the seats is half torn, the seat belts don't work (I once tried to put mine on, and he said "Shoo, kinak khayef ala halak?! Hahaha!"). You can see some weird gooey liquid on the floor, and there are cups of empty coffee mixed with chewing gum everywhere. And he smokes at least 3 cigarettes in one ride.

The other type is the "religious" one. He has a dirty taxi (as always), which is covered with writings like "Allah, Muhammed" or "Al shifaa bi alkuran" or "Aki al muslim, al tadkeen haram". He has a long beard, which he has never combed in his life, and wears a dishasah.

He keeps muttering stuff, but when he gets angry you see a new taxi driver: "YEL3AN ABOOK, MEN WEEN IT ALAMIT ILSAWAAH YA [beep] IL [beep]".

Another type is the cheating one, like a evil fox in a car. He has a nice car, tempting you to come in. The meter is no where to be seen, usually next to his foot or under the chair. The meter starts at 500, not 150, but that's all part of the plan. As soon as you get in, he zooms off.

If you tell him right or left, he pretends not to hear. He sometimes even takes you to a completely different place. He chooses longer paths and "shortcuts" so the meter goes up. And once you get to your destination, the meter might magically turn off so the driver will have to make up a number, or once you pay him he says he has no change (and this always happens).

Or there's the stupid weird one. He sticks tons of weird pictures all over his car, he has decorations on the steering wheel, the meter, the gear, the taboon, mostly everywhere. Some have these strange lights inside, so when you get in you feel you're in a disco.

They have annoying habits like clicking their fingers or making strange sounds with their teeth, or - if you're very unlucky - they fart. They drive either well over the speed limit or drive like a snail, and have huge systems at the back booming some type of stupid music.

And sometimes you have a mix - some of this and some of that. So now, you must thank god that you have a car and do not have to see the "masayib" taxi drivers give you every day. Alhamdullah.